I pretty much fit the ‘typical characteristics of an anorexic’ perfectly.  Not to sound to self-obsessed and vain, but I’m a high achiever, I take all accelerated classes and I’ve won a number of academic awards, I’m a perfectionist, I come from an upper-class family, I’m independent… I’m sure you know the rest. I’ve never really had issues with my weight before, I’ve never been overweight. I began skiing when I was 3 years old, netball when I was 4 years old, Dancing (jazz, tap and ballet) when I was 5 years old,  Basketball at 9 years old, Snowboarding at 10 years old, and hockey at 13 years old. So I’ve always been actively involved in team sports. In February 2009, I applied for an exchange program to Japan; it was called the Tzuki international scholarship program.  It is offered to 4 Australian aged between 15-18 years, at the time, I was honoured that I was selected as one of 4. I was extremely excited! I had been studying Japanese since I was 5 years old (throughout primary school, although I couldn’t really say much), and in just 2 short months, I would be going away, leaving all my friends and family for 9 months! I was to live in an international boarding school with people from New Zealand, Canada, America and Japan. I would attend school daily and have free time on the weekend. The two months after being notified I was successful flew by, and before I knew it I had landed in Japan.  The first few weeks were amazing, I was enjoying school, I was in a class with all the other international students (about 10 of us) and the dorm (boarding school) lifestyle was really fun. I hadn’t started to miss home too much yet, but that changed quite quickly.  The dorm was strict, there were bells for everything. Wake up bell, breakfast bell, morning roll call bell, leave for school bell, dinner bell, night roll call bell, being study bell, stop study bell, and lights out bell. This was every single day. My life was a complete schedule, and it didn’t really bother me at the start. After about 2 months of being in Japan, I had put on weight. Mainly because I didn’t have my mother around wondering about what I was eating, and not supplying me with healthy foods. I loved going to the grocery store and being surprised when I could fin Oreos and pasta and all things ‘normal’ so I would buy them and eat them. Obviously this lead to weight gain, but I didn’t really notice it and I wasn’t really fussed. School work was tough, but I studied hard and I achieved good results.  We had compulsory study for 3 and half hours every night. I didn’t study maths, English or science; it was just straight Japanese for 9 months. July rolled around, and it turned into summer vacation for the students. Because there was no school it meant the dorm would be closed and we would all have to do home stay for 6 weeks. 1 week with each family, rotating families each Sunday. I was scared; I didn’t want to go at all. I had previously, back in May done 4 days of home stay and hated it, I got extremely homesick, being around mums and dads and children and it did not sit with me well at all, I cried in my room all night. So, I was so nervous when I knew I was going to be having to do this for 6 weeks!  Prior to home stay, I was telling my mum over the phone about how I had put on weight and she suggested that I start walking and just watching what I was eating. So from about May – July I was going for a walk after school maybe 30 minutes, nothing serious. I remember now, the night before home stay I was crying on the phone to my mum, telling her how I didn’t want to go and that I was also worried that I wouldn’t be able to go for my walk. Could it possibly be here that I had already developed an obsession? Although at this time, I was still eating junk, and it was not for weight loss purposes. Anyway home stay came, and I didn’t get to walk, however I just didn’t eat as much. I was fine, yes I absolutely hated home stay, cried every night and just wanted to go back to the dorm and see my friends. (These friends are the people from New Zealand and America and Canada, who I had formed close friendships with. They were Lyshae, Jessica and Alison). Finally after 6 long weeks of home stay I was back at the dorm. To my surprise my friends said I had lost a bit of weight. This made me happy as I was scared I was going to get really fat.  It’s what happened after home stay that really set it off.  For some reason, well it was unknown at the time; Jessica all of a sudden stopped eating. She didn’t eat anything (literally) for a week, we asked her and she just said she wasn’t hungry, I, Lyshae and Alison started to worry and we told the school. They didn’t really do much about it, since we weren’t really their main priorities; we were just the exchange ‘kids’.  The problem only got worse, she began going for walks and still continued not to eat. We informed the school again, and all they did was talk to Jess and told her that she had to start eating. She lied and said she would.  During this time I would talk to Jess and say, ‘how are you not hungry, why don’t you eat?’ She would just reply by saying, that she doesn’t need it, she is fine and that she just trains her stomach. From then on, I started to train my stomach and decided I only needed breakfast and dinner. (I had no idea what an eating disorder was at all, I had no idea these were symptoms or anything like that, if someone had said eating disorder or anorexia, I would have said what is that?) So here we are, Jess not eating, and from Jess’s advice to train my stomach, me eating breakfast, dinner and probably still junk, I can’t remember. At the time, I had also stopped walking…and started running. I thought it was great.  Soon things started to get worse, Jess still had only consumed about 2 apples in a month and was not attending school and staying in bed all day, I was only eating breakfast and dinner as she told me that we don’t need all that food. We informed the school again, and finally they took actions and threatened she would be sent home if she did not start eating again. For some reason, I think when you are around some 24/7 in the dorm, you just follow their actions, it had an impact on Lysahe and Alison as well, they were watching what they were eating and skipping a few things, but for some reason I was doing it a lot more than them. I was eating 2 meals a day and running every day. A week passed and Jess didn’t eat, the school called her parents and said she was being sent home! We were so shocked, crying and very angry, we loved her, we didn’t know what was wrong, but we didn’t want her going home. A plane was booked for 3 days later, she was just being sent off (this is October by the way). The day before she left, she told us that she has suffered from an eating disorder before and all during home stay she was eating food but purging up to 6 times a day. She said the reason she wasn’t purging back at the dorm, was because she didn’t have to even eat. We couldn’t believe it, we had no Idea, I still don’t know, to this day, as the whether she was eating and purging the first 4 months of the exchange. So jess left, and here I Lysahe and Alison were thinking everything will just get back to how it was. Fortunately for them it did, but not for me. I was already in, I was sucked in and I didn’t know how to get out. Soon I only started eating dinner and my runs became longer. I studied more, went on my laptop at lunch during school to use the internet, didn’t want to go out after school, instead I would go running. No one really said anything; until it was obvious I was losing weight and not eating. I promised everyone I was fine, and they just carried on. It got worse, my dinner turned into a few vegetables and my runs got longer. The weather became cold (3 degrees) and I became ill. I was losing weight, but I didn’t really care or notice, I was just doing my thing, being hungry, running and eating a tiny bit. Lyshae and Alison told the school and they just asked if I was okay, I responded that I was fine, not to worry, I’m not like jess, I’m just exercising and not hungry and everything will be fine soon. Weeks passed and I was getting worse.  This cycle continued until about the end of November, when the school called my mother and said I was losing weight and not eating. That night I got a call from my mother and she asked me what was wrong. I told her I didn’t know what was going on, I was running, but I told her I was eating 3 meals a day and that I had lost some weight. She just said to be careful, my poor mother, had no idea, but I guess either did I, at this point I still had no idea what an eating disorder was.  I’m still surprised now, that Alison and Lyshae didn’t do anything, and I mean I thought they would have done something to help maybe? Made me eat? Asked? But no, nothing. I was all on my own, in another country that doesn’t speak English, and I was 16 and nearly dead. Another week passed and the school made another call to my mother telling her nothing was better. She called again, and I balled my eyes out, I told her all about Jess and how I thought that once she was gone home, I would be fine, I wouldn’t have that influence and I would just go back to how I was. I told her I was running and only eating a little bit, however I was so sick and unaware of what was actually going on, I couldn’t really tell her how I actually was. I told her again I was skinny and that maybe she would notice that when I got off the plane (in 2 weeks time) that I would look different. She told me to stop running and tries to eat, I told her my tummy hurt when I ate. The two weeks before I was to come home, I did stop running, and I did start eating, but I was totally and utterly consumed by Anorexia, I had no hope of eating enough, I still continued to lose weight. I would cry at night, I didn’t know why and Lysahe would cry and yell and asked why I don’t eat. I couldn’t answer. (Just a quick background, sorry I should have said this earlier. The food at the dorm was disgusting. For breakfast we had rice, raw fish, egg and every second day toast. In the begging when it was ‘toast day’ I was fine, id have like 4 slices of toast, because it was so much like home, on the no toast days I ate cereal I bought from the shop. For lunch, it was at school we could choose from all these hot dishes which we all terribly unhealthy, ramen, all deep fried chicken, noodles, I don’t even want to talk about it WHOEVER SAID IN JAPAN THEY HAVE HEALTHY FOOD IS AN ABSOLUTE BULLSHITARTIST!!!! It was all terrible, there is NO sushi, or things like that. Yes if you go to a fancy restaurant, but not in the dorm or school. And dinner at the dorm, well it was supposed to be western food, but it was usually pretty gross. In the beginning I would just eat deep fried chicken and rice for lunch and whatever was served for dinner, so regardless of the eating disorder, there was no healthy options or anything and I didn’t want raw fish in the morning, this I guess made it easier for my eating disorder to win, since there was no real food to choose from, since I didn’t like anything). 9 LONG months had finally come to an end, I was on the plane home, I was so excited I hated Japan, I was SO homesick I can’t even begin to describe it, I was crying with excitement when I was getting on the plane to leave Japan. I touched down in Melbourne, walked through the gates and my mum started balling her eyes out and fainted. She couldn’t believe what I had turned into; I was nothing, skin and bones. That night, I had just arrived home after 9 months away, I wanted to see all my friends, I wanted to get my life back, and my mother took me to my doctor. She was utterly shocked, she was so angry at the school for not telling her how much weight I had lost and she wasn’t really angry at me but she kept asking why didn’t I eat? What have I done? So that night went with my mum to my GP, she took my obs and weighed me and just told me to start with very small meals and to have 2 sustagens during the day and just to start gaining weight. We arrived home, I ate dinner, had a sustagen and went to bed. The next morning it was like I didn’t have an eating disorder, I didn’t refuse food, I didn’t exercise, I ate and I saw my friends, I was just extremely skinny, and nobody knew what was happening on the inside. A week had passed and mum had been on the phone, I didn’t know who to, but it turned out it was eating disorder places. She at the time didn’t know what an eating disorder was either really, and we weren’t sure if I had one, I clearly did though. Anyway, during that week, I was eating everything I was supposed to yet I lost weight. Then that Saturday, my mum came home from work and told me we were going to a doctor. I got in the car, and we turned up at the hospital. I was in the emergency ward and then the doctor came and saw me and said I was going to be here for 3 weeks, I just cried and cried, I didn’t cry because I was going to have to put on weight, I didn’t cry because I was going to be in an eating disorder ward (at the time, I didn’t know that was where I was going, I still didn’t know what an eating disorder or anorexia was) I was crying because I wasn’t going to be able to go away on our family holiday. Anyway, long story short, I was in the cardiac ward for 5 days, as my pulse when I was sleeping was dropping to a dangerously low 36 and when I stood up sky rocketed to 140. After 5 days, I was moved into the eating disorder unit. It was here I found out that I had anorexia, and what it was. Unfortunately for me, I was admitted when other girls not so pro-recovery were in. They would run, they would jump, they would do anything they could, they would wipe butter, drop peas, and you name it. Here was me, not knowing that butter was evil, and that there was calories etc. I didn’t know what was going on. Weight gain wasn’t even on my mind. But it soon was. I feel terrible saying it, but the other girls there taught me all of this. They taught me to skip food, to exercise, that there was bad and good foods, and all those naughty tricks.  This is where I learnt about anorexia, even though it was and had been consuming me for about 3 months. After 3 weeks I was discharged and sent home with my huge meal plan. Since this was my first ‘go’ at anorexia I guess, it went well, I didn’t know all the secrets and I didn’t know that you could throw out your lunch and lie and all this stuff. So I guess, my recovery just went from strength to strength, I would go back to the clinic every Thursday for a weigh in and everything was going fine. I was never admitted again. This continued for a while, until things went a bit pear, shaped, and pretty much ended up where I am now.

It’s weird to think though, that while I was suffering I had no idea, either did my parents know one knew. I went to Japan weighing 56kg, got up for 62kg and left weighing 38kg. In three months I lost more than 20% of my entire body weight.

I’ve probably missed huge and important parts, but I think my story is quite unique, given my family wasn’t involved, and I didn’t even know what was happening, it was my way of coping with homesickness, stress, school and everything else. Feel free to ask any questions, and I’d love to hear your stories

xx

When I’m reading some people blogs i gets me so sad when i read something like ‘i have been suffering from an eating disorder for 7 years’ many with years exceeding this.

But with my 19th birthday fast approaching, it opens my eyes to the fact that i too have now been dealing with an eating disorder/eating issues (prior to diagnosis) for nearly 4 years as well. Yet i feel i only suffered for 8 months, when i was critically ill and in and out of hospital. But the problems don’t just go away when you are physically recovered, which we all know. It is a long hard battle.

Enough is enough, 4 years too long

Im not sure if i made myself very clear as to how all this weight came on and how my depression came back at such a fast pace.

When i heard the bad news about my best friend committing suicide, imaginably my world came crashing down. 

No warnings, no depression, no previous self harm, a large friendship group, loving parents and boyfriend. Why her? How could she be so unhappy and none of us knew.

I received the news over the phone from my mother back in Australia. Shock. I honestly couldn’t believe it.

They say suicide is a selfish way to die, and as bad as it sounds i totally agree. How can you leave people who love you, with no answers, with the what ifs? with the how could we have not known? The guilt.

My mother then continued to tell me that she left no notes, no letters, no signs or anything, except one letter, addressed to me.

Her Best friend of 16 years.

The guilt set in more.  Out of everyone in her life, she wanted to talk to me just before she died, and where was I? on the other side of the world, away from her.

When i told people what i did next they dont understand.

I asked my Mum to burn the letter straight away.

Why?….. If my Mum had sent it to me over in Canada, there could be two options. One option would be a heartfelt letter of her telling me how much she loves me and how i am her best friends, and thank you for amazing memories together. Comments and thoughts that i can find in numerous birthday cards and previous letters from her. Or, option two.  A letter filled with anger and sadness directed to me. ‘Why weren’t you there when i needed you most. You said you would always be there for me, and now you across the planet. I need you now and you are not here..etc”  So i made the decision that i’d rather not know. I’ll think about this decision for the rest of my life, but right now i think i  made the right decision. Because if i had read that letter and it contained option two, then the guilt i already feel would be 500 times more extreme. And in the state i was already in i couldn’t put myself through that, as selfish as it sounds.

The sadness kept sinking in and the reality hit, she was gone, and i didn’t get to say goodbye, except when she wished me well at the airport those few months prior. I’ll never see her again, i’ll never get to know why and i’ll never get to tell her how much i love her and that she is my best friend.

These thoughts consumed my head 24/7. Being sad like this for the first time in months then began to bring back old memories of how sad i used to be the previous year. The recovery fighting and being deep in anorexia, all those feelings came washing back. And before i knew it, they consumed my every thought.

I was alone, i didn’t have my support crew. I went back to doing what i did best, something to the extreme.  However previously it had been not eating at all to try and numb the pain, side track me or for whatever reason it was.  This time it was eat anything i could to try and feel better.

This then lead to great regret and guilt, and further sadness. To ease the pain or attempt to ease it, i resorted to self harm. And so the vicious cycle began. Eating because i was sad, to self harming because of guilt, to then eating again because i was sad i had self harmed.

Over and over again.

A complete coping mechanism, that i feel if i was home, with my loved ones around me could of been completely avoided.  However even in site of all of this, i will never regret going overseas to Canada, i had the absolute time of my life, and i am not letting this event change my mind.

Its crazy to think how i went from one extreme to the other. To completely starving and depriving myself, to drowning my sorrows in food. I never would of thought when i was deep in my anorexia that this would happen to me.

But this is another battle i have to overcome and i feel that i’ve already battled a world war so i believe i can conquer this civil argument with my head.

Hey guys,

Sorry i know i said i would update more often, but i just seem to have fallen off the bandwagon haha.

Anyway, things have been pretty good lately! My mood is up, i saw my friends again and they are still being so supportive.

I went out clubbing in the city and i just dont think i was ready for it. Wearing a tight short dress and being surrounded by so many other beautiful girls looking so much better than me, reminded me of how unhappy i am with my body now, and it sent my mood crashing down. However those thoughts were gone the next day after i went for a run.

I know it is going to be a slow and long process but i know it is going to be worth it.

To be back, as happy and carefree as i was just a few short months ago. I know this pain and fight will all be worth it. That goes for everyone recovering, i feel now that i have recovered once that i know how much the fight is worth it.  And how tough at times it can be, now that i have experienced the better life, all i want it to get back to where i was.

I cant change how i look overnight, and nor will my thought about how i feel by myself. But each day i push through and push those demons and terrible thought away i am one step closer to freedom.  Because to me, recovery and freedom from an eating disorder is freedom in general.

I caught up with a very lovely friend of mine this morning who has also suffered from Anorexia for the last 7 years. Although she has been well for the last 3 years. Although she didn’t go the other way like i did (as in gain weight, which is actually not that uncommon for recovered anorexics) she is just so understanding and she knows i can get through it.

I was telling her i dont think i am strong enough, ive already fought for so many years i cant do it any longer. And then she told me something and it brought things into perspective. 

If i had the strength and willpower to practically starve myself to death for months on end, then i have the strength and willpower to push these bad thoughts away and to keep fighting these disordered thoughts, to not go back to old habits.

Because when i was deep in my eating disorder my every thought process was on loosing weight, not eating etc, so if i channel all that power and thoughts onto recovery and getting better then i can succeed.